The Things You Don’t Think about.

The mind is one of the most intriguing subjects to ever study. There is so much about our minds we still haven’t uncovered after many years of research. Although it is so many components to it there are some things we know for fact about our brains. It controls our thoughts, emotions, touch, memory, motor skills, sight, breath and temperature. How about how our brain and bodies respond to traumatic events in our lives? Rather it be a car accident, a natural disaster, domestic violence, rape or child abuse our brain and body change in response to the traumatic event. Every cell records the memory and has the chance to reactivate many times throughout that person’s life. It may be a scent, or the color of a T-shirt, the way the wind blew the trindles of hair across your cheek just right or a sound far off in the distance that instantly reminds you of that dark traumatic moment you sore you weren’t hurt from any longer. You could have completely forgotten or didn’t remember the incident but once that cell memory kicks in you remember instantly where it came from and what pain it brought along with it. You go from a grown ass man or woman into a three year old toddler curled in the fetal position trying to figure out how you got back to a place you’ve tried so many years to erase. Or you will have night terrors so real like you start asking yourself if you really need sleep to function like they say. You could really have a moment that creates conflict and discord in your interactions with others, your work, your relationships and friendships. All of a sudden you have your family telling you how much you’ve changed and how unrecognizable you are. As if you aren’t aware of the fact and feeling conflicted with the idea of you changing yourself. This isn’t unfamiliar though it resonates strongly for the one going through it. It’s what you’ve repressed unconsciously for so long in an effort to survive high levels of trauma. This is a protection mechanism developed to protect you from the emotional pain of recalling the event. But what you don’t have time to think about is what you’ll do when eventually those suppressed memories are triggered creating weakening psychological issues like PTSD, anxiety, depression or dissociative disorders. Now here you sit disconnected, detached and watching your life as if it’s a movie you decided to catch at the last minute. The scarier part for me was disassociating then quickly being bought out of it to find out the dream I thought I was in was not a dream at all and to my horror remembering what had just taken place to trigger this terrifying moment. To my knowledge this was my first experience disassociating but later I would learn it was not. That it was just one where I was old enough to recall as well as have a witness to attest that it happened. I gained major clarity that night along with a few other things. My breakthrough moment came when I realized no matter how you try to recover, survive or heal from a trauma it will find it’s way back to you at the most inopportune time more than likely with someone around you never wanted to have witnessed your brokeness in all it’s entirety. My journey began when I faced my reality and acknowledged the fact that yes it was many years later but I was still the same broken child I tried so hard to pretend didn’t exist. In my family emotions had a time and a place, it was just never the right time or place to deal with it. Tears are a sign of weakness, expressing your emotions was a waste of time and your pain didn’t stop the world from moving there was plenty shit to do. Sitting down and expressing how something made you feel ended in some how keeping the situation going or being overdramatic. All of a sudden you have become the hostile one and you speaking your Truth turned into you being the problem. There was no proper outlet for me to process my pain. First I’m devastated that the person I trusted to keep me safe ended up being the person I needed to be saved from, then to add insult to injury after attempting to express that I’m shut down because that’s not the way we handle our mess. You act like everything is fine and no you are dying inside at least until it’s believable.

Those coping mechanisms have been used and abused in so many generations of my family that you now come out of the womb with a heavy armor on ready for the war life will surely bring.

But what about all the hidden things repression comes with? Our belief system manual left out that part where addiction could become your best known ally and the one thing that was there for years when everyone else turned on you. Or why wasn’t it taken into consideration the anxiety attacks you’d have in public because someone slammed a door too hard across the store and now you are afraid to even blink wrong? The PTSD you take medication for because now all that sweeping under the rug crap ain’t cutting it, you’re having flash backs, nightmares and extreme reactions to something that reminded you of the trauma like it was happening all over again.

Trauma seems like it’s intertwined in my DNA. Domestic violence, physical abuse, psychological trauma, abandonment trauma, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, child abuse, hell let’s please not forget drug abuse. This is the time of breaking the ties that bind us, the generational curses placed upon us because of the sins of our fathers. We even genetically carry our ancestors trauma from life times ago. Scientist have proven the grandchildren of holocaust victims somehow showed psychological effects from an event they weren’t even a part of at the time but the wounds they still carried. I say all this because some aren’t aware yet how much of an imprint trauma makes on lives because they’d first have to admit they may have some things they too could heal from. There will always be a change physically and mentally in trauma victim regardless if you think they were too little or young to remember or if they are over 30 capable of taking care of themselves. Every detail is recorded in each cell of your body, a documented record of what we wish to never experience again. And if necessary your brain and body will team up for one common goal and that’s to force you to feel what’s needed then heal what’s broken. This isn’t an easy process and it isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s not something you can put a fake smile on for and claim your fine, it’s not something you can fake until you make either. There are levels to trauma and repressing is apart of what keeps you alive after having to die. When it comes back up for review just know that you aren’t just doing this for you but for your children, your children’s children and your children’s childrens children. You are doing this for your grandfather,your grandmother, your mother, Aunt and uncles and father. Your ancestors before you. That’s strength to me and breaking generational curses is what we’ve come to do. The next time you feel like venting about your son who won’t just stop using already, have some compassion and stop pretending you aren’t aware of the abuse that led him there. The longer we continue living off old beliefs the longer it will take us all to reach enlightenment. No one carries trauma well and we all carry it differently.