When Darkness Falls

The Nine Of Swords

Fear and anxiety. Surrounded by darkness and negative thoughts. You ever feel so overwhelmed and burdened that your mind started to make things way bigger than it actually were? It started to sneak into your dreams and became a recurring nightmare that now kept you from sleep? When you’ve reached your breaking point, unable to cope with the current situation you’ve found yourself in, and you’re suffering from mental anguish you may be having a Nine of Swords moment. I have been here many times. I’ve been the woman in this card more than I would like to admit. The swords cards are all pretty extreme but this one here is one of the least favorites. I am not sure why the Air suit is so intense but when I see a swords card come out in a reading I already know there is some kind of mental f*ckery involved somewhere nearby. Swords are about communication, thoughts, mental intellect, thinking and logic, power, change and conflict. When this card shows itself in a reading just know this is directed towards your psychological makeup. Specifically the Nine of Swords is about the negative thoughts and self- talk towards yourself. It isn’t the self-care stuff we hear about, not at all. This is the opposite of self-care. You may find yourself making mountains out of molehills, making things bigger than what they really are. Before we get into how I relate to this card I will give you the break down of the Nine of Swords. We will look into some key terms and then I can share with you how I’ve found myself here and what advice the Nine of Swords is saying when we get it in our readings.

The Nine of Swords card is also called the Dark Night of the Soul by some. If you aren’t familiar with what that is, the “dark night of the soul” is used to describe an extremely difficult and painful period in one’s life. It is triggered by some kind of external event like a disaster or bereavement. This is a spiritual crisis in the journey towards union with God. In general, the Nine of Swords is a card of fear and anxiety. Key terms are mental anguish, remorse, guilt, regret, joylessness, despair and sleepless nights. Sick with worry, conflict, being unable to face a situation or people, suffering, fear, alienation, being mentally exhausted, imprisonment, persecution, intimidation, being bullied, migraines, mental breakdown. Just by looking at the illustration it’s obvious that this woman is at her wits end. There is no telling how many nights she has sat up like this wishing her brain would just stop so she can get some kind of rest. There is more than likely some situation that she isn’t wanting to face. Not feeling as if you are strong enough to face the problem is now taking over your entire life. Not feeling strong enough to carry the burden any longer, You are gripped by fear and you just want to curl up into a ball and wish everything away. There are so many different thoughts running through your head, all the worse case scenarios you can think of. One thing about this card though is that the situation that you have found yourself in that’s got you so worried isn’t as big as you have made it in your mind. Self-fulfilled prophesies are a theme of the Nine of Swords. So if you do a reading on yourself or someone else and this card comes out let me just advise you that it isn’t nearly as bad as you think it is, and everything will work out just fine.

Here’s what happened to me in one of my Nine of Swords moments not too long ago…

I had been weighed down by my own dark thoughts and negative feelings for quite some time. It had been keeping me up at night for weeks. My excessive worrying and grief had a hold on me, It had the best of me completely dominating my mind My anxiety had fully taken over my life. I was all kinds of stressed out so much so it got to a point I had more attacks than not. My nerves were shot and I was anxious about everything all the time. And to add a little insult to injury my depression wanted to hang out with me too so I had the whole psychological torture gang lingering around waiting on their time to shine.

I had been associating with my fears and it had started ruling my life. Things were not going the way I thought it would be, it was the total opposite of what I was hoping for. I remember sitting up in my bed one night just like the woman in the Nine of Swords card, obsessing over this situation I had found myself in when all of a sudden I couldn’t catch my breath. Never had it been this bad that I couldn’t breathe. No one was around and I was so scared. This part was new and I wasn’t sure what to do. Why do I always do this to myself? I end up doing the most damage just off my thoughts alone. But I couldn’t help it this time for sure. I had no clue what was going to be the outcome of my situation, I had never been through this before and I was scared. My whole life could change. I had already lost everything I had worked so hard to obtain. I felt like I had a target on my back and there was no way out of this mess I was in.

Have you ever been up at 3 am all alone just you and your thoughts? Everyone else is peacefully sleeping but it is so loud in your head you would think the entire house was up having a party. “ How am I going to overcome this? Will everything work out or will this be the way I live my life forever? I am not strong enough to fight back. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I don’t want to face this shit at all I want out I can’t do this.” This is some of the mental anguish you could endure with the Nine of Swords. Your brain is on overload. Fears have trapped you in a mental prison. Nothing makes sense and you can’t seem to find a positive outlook for what you’re dealing with.

I didn’t see any type of light at the end of a tunnel, I seen myself trapped and restricted. I didn’t know where to even start to free myself I was too busy looking at the trap not on the way out of it. I would sit there rocking back and forth, crying so much I thought I would eventually run out of tears and just won’ t be able to cry anymore. Feeling bad for myself being a victim, and wishing someone would please come save me from this nightmare or at least save me from myself. Mental health must be taken care of and addressed just as much if not more than physical. The mind is very powerful and although very intrigued I am equally unnerved, by the human mind. It can literally make or break us. We are consious of only five percent of cognitive activity. The other 95 percent goes beyond our conscious awareness. For something that controls everything it sure can get very out of control real quick. Our brains allow us to see, hear, feel and learn. But one interesting fact I learned is it’s easier for negative thoughts to come through than it is positive. This is due to a chemical that is released into our brains called Cortisol. This chemical is like an alarm system that is set off when potential danger is lurking. We are basically hard wired to negativity. I guess we can say it’s our defense mechanism, something we are all born with and it is survival mode. Our brains are more sensitive to bad news. The brain developed different systems that made it impossible for us to not notice danger and react to it accordingly. But some of the system is outdated and after a collection of so much information more than likely it isn’t stored as correctly as it could be. I imagine a old filing cabinet with files all over the place. Organized chaos. I’m pretty sure my programming has been compromised or something because everything is a threat when I get into these mental battles i find myself in. All my emergency broadcast buttons have been turned from off to on. I am so overwhelmed all I can handle doing at that time is curl up into the fetal position. What if I have allowed my anxiety to rule for so long that I will never be the same again and this will be my fate? Being stuck inside your head is one of the worst places to find yourself trapped in. It is scary and intense. You will end up creating the very reality you were afraid to happen. Then what? More than anything in the world i wanted to not feel the way I was feeling ever again. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. Constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to fall, being bullied and feeling like a victim. I was tired, exhausted, at the end of my rope. I was to the point of paranoia feeling like everyone was against me and I was under attack. A lot of the way I react to stuff had to do with childhood issues I had. I was in survival mode from the time I was born. And although I didn’t consciously remember subconsciously it was imprinted in every fiber of my being. My brain remembered and any time something happened that remotely came close to what happened to me back then I go into this defense mechanism and freeze up. After that is when the mental harassment starts. I came to the decision that I would have to face what was triggering me so I could take my power back. I wasn’t that little infant anymore, I wasn’t helpless and it was ok to let go of that now.

The advice of The Nine of Swords is to face our fears of being alone and acknowledge the restrictions we’ve put on ourselves. Don’t put off anything that is bothering you deal with it head on. Stop worrying about mistakes or events that you can’t change. We can’t control everything, there’s no point in sitting around wishing you could change the past. Learn from what you’ve been through and know that all actions have consequences. It’s human nature to expect the worst it’s a part of our survival. We anticipate threats as a way of arming ourselves. Due to our genetic programing the difficult situations our ancestors dealt with have infected our lives with anxiety and stress too. A new perspective will do wonders. Once your emotions and fear are put aside you’ll realize things weren’t as awful as it seemed.

Past traumas could resurface, a negative mental cycle could rear it’s ugly head and there’s the feeling of being overwhelmed and burdened with your thoughts. When this happens try to think of something anything that is positive in your life at the moment. Seek counseling, learn to process grief. Look for support groups and learn new ways of coping. Set goals even if what you’re going through makes you afraid to start anything new. Remember it isn’t as bad as it looks. Your life isn’t ending and you aren’t in danger. It’s ok to let go and move forward no. The worst part is over.

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